Tuesday, March 30, 2010

T-1 takes on (L)AIM Away Messages

To be fair let me state a few things:
1. I did not come up with the title for this recurring sketch.
2. I didn't even come up with the phrase "recurring stretch".
3. If you are my friend and you're lame away message happens to show up then I'm sorry, I'm not making fun of you and if we really are friends you would know that. And if we aren't friends then ha!
And finally, 4. I'm not trying to make fun of anyone, they kind of brought it upon themselves.

So here we are. First (L)AIM Away Message is from a high school friend who puts a lot of "girly" away messages about finding the right guy and stuff like that, which is fine. That's cool. That's her thing. She's into dudes and being in love, but I'm an equal opportunist and I just had some haterade! (I sound wicked lame! Haterade? Seriously?)

(L)AIM Message: Girls are like apples on trees... The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they're afraid of falling & getting hurt. Instead they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground but aren't as good, and are easy. So the apples at the top think that there is something wrong with them, when in reality, they are amazing. That is why we just have to be a little patient & the right boy, the one who takes a chance to find the good, right apple, will come someday...

My new and improved message:
Girls are like apples on trees…they’re all good, so just grab one. Sure you could reach for the top ones, but why bother? There are apples that taste just as good in the middle and bottom. Hell if you’re lucky enough you might even find one on the ground that's good. Little spit-shine, bit o' the old elbow-grease and it’s as good as new. It only rots after its been on the ground awhile, but any self-respecting man will follow the “5-Second” rule and there's no harm in that. The apple that hit Newton (Sir Issac Newton, Genius for those out of the loop) on the head wasn't rotten was it? But it fell to the ground. And that’s where he saw it. And you know what? Gravity! And Physics! And complex things only men have the capacity to understand. In fact, an apple at the top of the tree is most likely to get damaged on the way down. Probably from all the branches that hit it and quit it. And then that apple lands on the ground and no one picks it up until a dirty hobo comes along and says “mmm…crab apple” because honestly if you hit that many branches on the way down you’re bound to get some STD. So screw being patient, find a good apple that is both accessible and fun to look at. It’s probably juicy and tastes great. And remember…any apple is a good apple if you’ve had too much cider.